Baby Positive

The moment we found out we were going to have a baby was a mixture of both joy and fear.  Joy because we had been trying and we were glad it finally happened and fear because, well, it actually happened.  I quickly realized that nothing can prepare you for the moment you find out you are going to be a parent.

We had planned our trip to Mexico with the belief that a baby would not be on the way.  A few months of trying with negative results will do that to you.  I had thought about the moment though, when we would find out we were going to be parents and our lives would change forever.  I wondered if I would cry or if I would be full of complete and utter joy.  I didn’t know what to expect.  Although we had agreed to not be obsessive about getting pregnant, I still thought about it often.  I know Rachel likely thought about it a lot more than me, but we stayed silent.

It was late one night and we were getting ready for bed.  Rachel had sat down to pee and I got set to brush my teeth.  Within an instant I was suddenly holding a pregnancy test in my hand and rushing over to her.  I remember the moment vividly.  There’s Rachel sitting on the toilet and I’m saying, “Wait, wait, take the test!”  She stops mid-pee, looks up at me and says, “What!?!  I’m already peeing!”  I don’t know why I wanted her to take the test.  An unexplainable feeling came over me and the moment just felt right.  I know it didn’t feel right for her, but that’s neither here nor there.  Being the wonderful wife that she is, Rachel agreed to “try” and take the rest.  I apologized for impeding her progress as she did her best to pee on the stick.  It all happened so quickly.  Before I knew it I was grabbing the test from her with a tissue and expecting to set it down on the counter as we had done in the past.  I never made it to the counter.  Actually, I didn’t even make it two steps before a plus sign appeared.  The result was almost instantaneous.  I calmly looked at Rachel and said, “It looks like you’re pregnant.”  Rachel’s beautiful blue eyes stared up at me from the toilet and she said, “Wait, what?”  I laughed and said, “Oh my God, you’re pregnant,” as I handed her the test.  She was just as shocked as I was.  After a while we were just standing there staring at the test.  Not really believing the results I decided we needed to take another one.  We did have three tests after all.  Unfortunately, Rachel didn’t have to pee anymore.  She ran over to the fridge and got a water bottle and immediately proceeded to chug.  Within about 10 minutes it was go time.  Again, it was the same instantaneous result – positive.  We both sat down at the edge of the tub and kept saying, “Oh my God, really?”

Nothing can prepare you for the moment you realize you are going to have a baby.  I would say the first few seconds are complete and utter shock, followed by a few seconds of joy.  Then, at least for us, the joy turns to fear.  It all becomes very real.  Yes, I rejoiced that my manly parts worked, but at the time it seemed so inconsequential.  We were about to become parents.  Everything was surely going to change.

We laid in bed that night still in shock.  We were excited, but overwhelmed.  We admitted we were scared.  I’m not afraid to say that.  We were very aware that it was only the beginning and there was a long journey ahead.  We held hands as we talked in bed about the future and what it all meant.  It still didn’t feel real, even after the third test we took.  We didn’t feel prepared.  We didn’t feel ready.  I’ve come to find, six months later, that’s still to be expected.

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