Hold still, dammit

Seriously, little guy, you need to hold st

I said Hold still.

No, I don’t think you need to grab the shirts I’m putting on you.

Yes, I know it’s colorful. That’s why we bought it. It looks cool. just don’t grab the sleev

I mean it! Don’t grab the

Oh great. That’s just wonderful. Yes, just like you, I thought this shirt needed to be put in your mouth.

And the diaper, too. Yeah, that one. The one I laid out over the changing table. That was meant for your mouth, and not your butt. Glad you figured that out.

How’s it taste? You like the built-in baby-powder scent? I don’t know why they put it in the diaper. Seems kinda weird, don’t you think? I mean, sure, it smells like baby powerd, but what do you care? You put it in your mouth. Might as well smell like ham. I mean, you’re eating it, aren’t you?

Mmmm. Ham diapers.

Now put your leg down.

Yes, I know you can taste your foot, too. That’s awesome. Does it taste like ham or something? What am I missing here? Should I try to taste my own toes?

Ok, lemme give it a shot. ugh. Uugh! UUUUuugh! Yuck! Tastes like feet.

What else do you want to put in y

Oh, the diaper again. That’s nice. Good thing it’s the new diaper and not the one you were just wearing. That one had a poop stai

Oh.

Ok, now you’re pooping on the changing table. That’s great. Yeah, it’s pretty much just a big, flat diaper. Do what you need.

No, it’s cool. I’ll just stand here.

Why are you staring at me with such a serious look on your fa

Oh.

Ok.

Yeah, ok now you’re smiling. Does that mean that you’re done pooping on the

There’s that serious face again. Wh

Oh.

Hey, no problem. You’ve gotta poop, right? As long as it’s not on the

Ok, how’d you squirt that onto the carpet? You got a problem with the floor? What did the floor ever do to you? What, you got a scope on that thing or something? How hard does this have to be?

Ok. New diaper time. Let’s try this one on.

Yes, I know this is funny. Yes, it’s hilarious. Yes, I know you’re so cute. Can you put your legs down, please? It worries me.

Here’s the new diaper. Yeah it’s warm, I’ve been holding it while you made all that mess. Yes, I know, the new diaper is hilarious. You’ve never heard anything like it before.

Yes, it’s funny. Just put your legs down, and this will all be do

Oh.

You were trying to tell me something.

You were trying to say: “Hey, I stuck my foot in the mess of the last diaper!”

Why didn’t you just come out and say it? Sheesh. You make this so difficult. It’s fun, sure, and I’m laughing, too. Yes I am. Yes I am!

Ok, now that your foot is clean and you have the new diaper on, let’s get you ready to go to the babysitter. Mama and Daddy have to go to work.

Yeah, I know you want to come with us. And it’d be cool. We could probably get people to take care of you. Yes we could! But we really need to go. If daddy doesn’t leave here in a few seconds, he’ll literally be late for school.

Yes I know, your thumb is funny.

And I know you have gas.

And I know you like to kick a lot.

But I’ve got to go. Let’s just move you over to the car sea

Oh.

Thanks.

Thanks for barfing on my shirt.

And thanks for doing the “I’m-hiding-my-face-and-laughing-at-the-same-time” thing afterward. Let’s me know none of this was intentional; that you didn’t have any of this planned out beforehand.