baby daddy

There are times parents need to be honest with their children. There are times we need to speak up and let you know the honest truth behind our actions (and trust me, the ‘behind’ part of that last comment will come into play here in a second).

And your mama and I don’t shy away from the good, honest truth. We let you in on the world around you.

For example….

There are the times I tell you that you stink
I say: You steenky! You sooooooooo steeeeenkeeeee!
And it’s true! But at least I let you know. Why keep you hidden from the simple, available facts?

Sometimes the neighbors are noisy:
We say: Why they so assholes? Why they gotta be like that? DOn’t they know we right here? Don’t they care about yoooooo?

Sometimes it’s raining:
Whyzit gotsta be so wet? You gonna get all mildewwy!

Then there’s your insurance company:
Why they gotta take away yo money? Why they gotta say you ain’t sick?

And of course the fact that the TV show ‘Rescue Me’ isn’t on any longer:
Why they take the best show on TV off the air? Why they only make, like, 5 episodes per season? Don’t they think Denis Leary is funny? Don’t the FX channel like good TV?

And then there are days like today when I have to tell you the really awful truth.
Like when I picked you up from daycare and brought you home and my body decided to do its own work.

By this, I mean, my body kicks into gear whenever it hits certain environments. In the morning my body knows it’s time to go when I take that first drink of coffee. Doesn’t matter if I make it at 2:00 in the morning or at 7:00 — as soon as I take that first sip of coffee, I need to hit the can.

Same thing when I get home from work. The moment I put the key in the door, my body knows it needs to go inside, take a left down the hallway and head directly into the bathroom.

Today, I had to pick you up from daycare, but that didn’t stop my body’s regular process. That’s why, as soon as we got in the door, I headed straight down the hallway, and thought:

Sometimes you gotta sit down, slap the toilet on the sides and say:
This is daddy’s diaper! Yeah! It’s like a hard, shiny diaper! Look! Wheeee!

And then sometimes you’ve gotta tell your children:
Ooooohhh! Daddy soo steenky! He soooooooo steeeeenky!

And we parents understand the lesson is good and has been learned because our children are smiling, much like you did today when I slapped the porcelain and shouted ridiculousness at you.